Thursday, 14 December 2017

Who is the Puppet?

Changing this blog face just for refresh I noticed and appreciated the Fashionista Colour Co-ordination from Went (not just Leo) on Day 1 #GDCC to the 'Fox - soon to be Disney - #Prison Break Strap line as posted by #Dominic.

So thrilled to know that Season 6 is "in the works."

Furthermore the next skill that should go on Went's IMDB is that of Puppet Master aka Puppeteer . 

Having Went as a Counselor in any form using magnificent props such as the iconic Martin Stein aka Victor Garber was not as alien an idea as perhaps one might think.

After all.. links back to the kindergarten Dinosaur head and Went's early Jim Henson days surely were part of the "Flash back" premise for both the prosthetic and aesthetic point of view,clearly played out and obviously embellished for that episode. 

I also was reminded of.. "Meat Puppet" as quoted by Went in his radio interview with Kyle and Jackie O in 2006 Australia.
(along with Duck World...Remember those ducks..?.. and different ducks? )

Anyway ..Meat a totally different context - possibly.

However seeing Victor as the Dr in puppet form being used by Leo for therapy sessions is both creative and deeply dark. 

I saw no strings - just Went's hand expressions used to the max.

Back in Leo's Counselling room, the wave riders respond as well as their bemusement allows them but I especially like the response by Dom in role as Mick Rory.

No mistaking his emphatic and emotional response.

Reversing the "role play" and using a puppet for un-peeling a Leo not just a Leonard is something that would be interesting, not necessarily effective...


it could be ..

..depends on the puppet used.


German Words

Warm thanks to all the amazing people at the German Comic Con who gave us so many photos and VT clips of the Went q&a panels

Special love and gracious thanks always to Went who gave his all in as much as he could share whilst hopefully keeping some emotional energy in reserve.

Great questions ...fantastic answers -  love the .. I’m partial to Gryffindor myself...response too. And the warmth in the room for Went was both audible and palpable.

So below are the YouTube videos - Thankyou for posting. There are many instaclips too- all special.

Love xx

Tuesday, 12 December 2017

Loving Leo

I am loving Leo.

I am loving that he is a Fashionista Time Traveller.

Especially when remembering Went words that came to the forefront while watching from a radio interview in the early #PB years about his own dress sense and how he sometimes got suitable help from "Mr A".

The whole Crisis on Earth-X was very enjoyable and watchable - yes I skimmed through fast forward in some places but only because I don't need to see full fight break downs.. I just watched them very fast - and they were fast enough.. 

But..Went in The Flash on Earth One as Leo...

Enter Leo ..who looked at Barry..and as he took in the vision... .

.."..that is a FAANTASTIC  outfit. Did you make that? 


Clearly the new Classy Cold Coat is a cloak of couture that permeates then taps into the psyche of Leo  - the fashion conscious-might-like-to-be designer of the Time Travel Fashion Police .

His  expression about the "strangely dressed individuals" getting home...and he himself wearing a German Uniform meticulous to detail ,all ready tells us that Leo, like Leonard, is as sharp as the tailored suit that he no doubt would want to wear and did as his Earth Two persona

Excellent fashion thread throughout this Earth- X episode, that ruffled here and  overlayed there interfacing with Caity calling the Freedom Fighter General..

"Fingerless Gloves.." 

Other one liners of the #CW light touch and great humor were stitched neatly within the Went delivery - perfectly Sublime and So funny.

Meanwhile Barry seamlessly quoting Leonard to Leo  about the " Plan ..was an icicle of genius in the writing - because we all remember Captain Cold stating that fact.. and here it was back in the round - with a dart like retort.. 

"That's terrible advice..I always have a plan "- says Earth One Leo. .. 

and then quickly back to the fashion..

"I thought it would be fun to dress up in costumes..". 

With Leo in Crisis Earth - X Dressing takes on a whole new meaning.



The Ladies Who Crunch...
... and only so many in a pack.

A Great photo opportunity in Germany inspired by the best.


@The Rainbow Girls 

Monday, 11 December 2017

Words From Germany

Went mentioned on Facebook and in Germany this weekend that you have to be your own "best friend".His words of wisdom perhaps.

It is interesting what that looks like. When you experience it.Being your own Best Friend.

A year or so ago a friend I knew well,had known for a long time asked me to join her soon for "tea - before you disappear from the face of the earth "- as she put it.

I was in the new place of work so it was not in reference to that.

That person was also a contact on Facebook

Her comment - that fell easily from her tongue -told me that my gut feelings were right. That something was afoot - it sure was.

After many other such moments I made the decision to remove all my contacts and "friends" from Facebook. Including the one who anticipated my disappearance - there have it..

I am the only person on Facebook without any "friends". I do have lots of requests - thankyou. I hope that friendships might be restarted. I hope those like the person I knew - who knew that "things were afoot"  - can understand why I am reluctant to make their acquaintance now.

Can I reassure Zuck that my decision is no reflection on his company - far from it. I pop into FB and browse,quietly on my own,reading and looking at all the news,art,entertainment etc  and just don't talk to anybody.

Those true friends ring you,write you - one way or another and yes you can compliment each other by sharing social media - if you trust their face to face persona that they have shared with you in person....or know exactly the status of your contact - ie a social media connection for a shared interest.

So when Went mentioned things like "finding your own tribe" and "being your own best friend"... true.

It takes a lot to trust especially when your gut tells you differently.. so trusting yourself,and your own friendship is key.

Thank you Went


Morning Hair

As I woke with my usual morning hair,I guessed that Went doesn't usually have that problem.

Thank you Went and Instagrammars for all the fabulous photos and VT footage from German Comic Con.

I especially love his Sunday Socks.

Sunday, 10 December 2017

So Zen

Here is a "supremely zen" gorgeous man .

Thank you to #Russell Tovey for that very telling description of Went and the Went Aura- which tells me in two words how far Went has travelled over the last few years to get to this place.

Reading as we have Went's journey thus far,I am sure there have been many times when he would never have considered himself reassured enough to be in the Zen Zone. 

Always giving a cool,calm external aura, Went's internal core continues to exude peace, graceful poise and openness that has a powerful impact on others.
He looks comfortable and relaxed in Germany for Comic Con this weekend.
Beautiful to know and to see.
Love love love
Photos from Instagram @ German Comic Con

Wednesday, 29 November 2017

Stunning Spoilers

I am sorry for any spoilers here.

More instaclips and photos are appearing along with more critical narrative about the Crisis X Crossover @Arrowverse.

I especially like this one.

IGN express what we know - that Went has so much potential worth exploring in this Leo version - the softer and in love Leo .But there surely I s a reason why he isn't or can't.And I stand by him and his decision in good faith.

Congratulations to #CW #DC and all who created the fluid and appropriate diverse sexuality lines within the #arrowverse. 

Despite #arrowverse being a Virtual Comicbook brought to it’s context of life, it has nevertheless continued to push those boundaries and reflects the reality of our societies,cultures and diversities very well.

I am especially so proud of Went. Having the confidence to openly express those lips so beautifully in confirming the Pan Sexual drive that Went had referred to months ago when talking about Leonard's character.

Congrats also to Russell aka The Ray - a water shed moment for Went,with him on screen, that watered my eyes.

I need however to ask you a very good question Went - how much rehearsal time? 

I mean camera angle practice obviously to make those scenes perfect ... so back to my question..??

Thank you.

'm getting a real kick out of the Ray/Cold dynamic right now. Alone or with his lover, Citizen Cold is such a fun, goofy spin on an old favorite. He's so much more earnest and happy-go-lucky, even as Miller maintains that slow, deliberate drawl. Probably my favorite scene of the entire crossover so far involves Snart dismissing his Earth-1 counterpart's philosophy on plans (Barry's Snart impression was pretty hilarious, as well). If anything, I'm disappointed that "Crisis on Earth-X" appears to be Wentworth Miller's swansong with Snart. It feels like there's so much potential worth exploring with this new version of the character.

But if nothing else, I'm glad to see the Arrowverse introduce another major same-sex superhero relationship. It feels like a necessary rebuttal to the Marvel Cinematic Universe's rigid asexuality. And I'm sure it means a lot to Miller, who's recently opened up about the struggles he faced being a closeted gay man working in Hollywood, to be able to explore this relationship before ending his run as Snart for good.

Fries by the Sea

Sea Chord S** talkers
Story 3

This was to be their last meal and time together.

They hadn't discussed it - she just knew.

Stronger than last time a decision was made but one last lunch would be nice.
It was Jan 16.

She ordered fish.
They ordered fries and ketchup. And ate them with their fingers.
Informal inappropriate dining.For the time and the place.
She ate and watched and wondered if they had washed their hands first. Remembering they had a "fobia" of public/other restrooms - or at least that was the excuse given many years ago as the reason not to visit for an invited dinner.).

She knew exactly why this was familiar.

They were eating like Leonard - like Went as Leonard - in the LB.. not Limbo not Lincoln Burrows but Leonard's Bar.

It was the scene from #Legends.. and therefore by elimination.. she was The Flash - Barry Allen..?

Realising that they were now in Role Play(at last) i.e acting out The Blog... she spoke of Wentworth. 

The last meeting - rewind 8 months - she had been told to "get Real" - live in Reality.

Now - while they were in Role Play - they were prepared to listen to some of the general thoughts about Went - general because sacred sharing had long since passed.

She observed the phenomena of a adult in a very nice family restaurant eating food with their fingers. 

A child would not have been "allowed".

To confirm the suspicion of Leonard Role Play ,they spoke of Ice packs - it was a bit cliche.

Leaving, they offered a quick lift to the car parked a distance away. It was noticeable - the" same car" that had driven from East Coast to Arizona.

A thank you and goodbye she got to her car,turned to check the traffic and saw again the use of the speed dial as they sat in theirs ..reporting.. S***talking.


There is nothing cold about this...

Thank you . Beautiful. I love you.

Tuesday, 28 November 2017


Image result for sage colour

#Sea Chord Stalkers
Story 2

Sitting in the office awaiting the meeting she was aware that her back was to the sea.

Colleagues arrived... about 7 of them - all dressed the same.

They were all wearing Sage. A jumper, a blouse,a long sleeved t shirt..

She laughed and exclaimed. They continued and mentioned - as if by surprise - that it was a mystery as to why they were all wearing the same colour that day. 

No it wasn't. !!

She thought of all the time,effort,discussion,sorting out the back of the wardrobe (jumper two sizes too small..),scouring the Charity shops in order to achieve this Sage Team Dynamic.

If only they had put the same effort into the office work and overall team ethic and morale.

She felt mildly amused - concerned too that serious professionals were "dressing up" in numbers in order to ..? what exactly?

She could feel as they wanted her to feel perhaps - after all there was a Mental Health practitioner and a professional who knew a psychologist ,so that made them experts (!) and she presumed that there was some kind of resilience trial going on, a personality matching "game".? They had completed it as a "team" and come out bearing Sage?

Maybe,she thought,they were just trying to make a point in this exercise of how it feels to be the only one who didn't get the memo.. seeing as it was a business meeting.

Most of all she thought of the previous and often discussed former profession of the meeting lead - the Head Sage if you like.If this was the teaching style in a room with supposed professionals in it,what kind of message had been shared with all those in the educational setting. Did they all get to wear uniform except one?

Looking again at the room full of Sage - that was the sudden hue of the moment - she thought of all the Fashion Experts who would be distressed to see the Sage color palate in its disheveled,worn and ill fitting state. 

But she thought of other Sage too..

such as..

Parsley Sage Rosemary and Thyme.. Simon and Garfunkel..
Sage Systems
The Herb
The Self Care Chronicles.

It wasn't the last time that color tripping would be "shared" - or used - for subliminal messaging.

Pink and Mustard together - in combo - would find their way into meeting rooms via chairs brought in from another area as the room booked was too small for the number of people...!! Relevant colors in the Local Community - they had meaning. 

And the occasion,where a once revered friend of long standing appeared wearing the block colors at a small social gathering by the sea.

Used once - means a nice wardrobe.. used twice .. in quick succession is ill timed and ridiculous (someone didn't get the memo).

She got the "drift" - like the wood on the beach.

Image result for pink and mustard

Ahh - now I see... reference material not needed - but thank you.
#sage #pink
me no pause

#crisisonearth #arrowverse

Contains Spoilers but ..looking very good.!!

Monday, 27 November 2017

The Sea Chord S (**) talkers

Enjoyed meeting people in MIND,HARP and Cats Protection today and last week Hospice Care and Cancer Research. Donating with #giftaid. And more to come.

Meanwhile this "story" came to mind based on the deep character of Luke Seacord. So I write with Went's portrayal of Luke in my mind - his drive,his passion his demeanor that Went created for Luke - and it reminded me of a meeting.

The story arc is called the Sea Chord Stalkers because the theme struck a chord,with many such meetings by the sea including many different people who I realised then and later, were S***talkers.. in every sense..

Story 1

She and They

The phone call came inviting her to meet early morning - early in the New Year.
It was cold,blustery and wet so the choice of venue was slightly odd. 

It was odd due to the weather and odd due to the fact that of all the places nearer,warmer,they were going to meet in a place that seemed "out of the way".

It was right by the sea. 

When she got there, waves were thrashing,drawing back the shingle from the beach - a loud repetitive harmonic pitch. It was still dark from the late sunrise and the low hanging greyness of clouds.

Because of the "strangeness" of it all she knew there was drama brewing. Infact the drama had started - the hushed but direct phone call had "tripped it in"... and in many ways she knew what it was about.Felt it. Perhaps not the detail but this build up was the usual kind of ...

..dramatic delivery. 

It was always about the drama.

Whilst dutifully attending the request to meet, she was all ready tired but ready.

The cafe was exactly as expected - cold and bleak with the owner looking surprised that they were even there.

She had been invited for a cup of tea ,ordered.. 
They didn't want one
Suggested but not partaken. 
Clearly requiring a clear head for the drama  - not the tea -that was brewing .

(This had also happened before..on the occasion of that meal. Meal ordered but not eaten ...that and subsequent time. Made her remember that actually in all these years,they had never been seen to complete a meal. Infact meal time meetings were rare.)

She waited then for the "news" to hit her.

Sure enough... it was told deliberately,emphatically ..dramatically.

They were looking at her face for a sign of impact.

There was none. 

Well maybe a sigh.

(more tea poured from pot)

She thought .. I expect they have all ready progressed this news to the right authority..

They said..  have all ready progressed this news on to the right authority.

She thought -.. ahh speed dial.. works even on a Sunday.

(more was cold).

She added... in her thought process..Here comes the plan..

They said.. and the plan is....

Of course they had a plan. It was similar to the one before.. or was it the one before that?

Suddenly she was confused - this sounded so familiar. One issue merged into another .

And keeping the secret - once again until ready to divulge - that was familiar too.

Was it the last time.. or the time before that? or before that - so many times!!

Difficult to know.. but it was ..boring. Repetitive. Expected. Sad..

And she knew that the plans were in place. She wouldn't be needed - because others had all ready been called.

And that was how they "did this" had done this - always usually depending on the "drama".

They picked those who could help as they wanted..via the pecking order of the speed dial - 

and she wasn't on it.

She knew she wasn't. Hence the puzzlement of the call leading to the drama (more tea!).

They expected certain reactions - she realised that it was difficult to show any..she struggled not to speak the truth.

Immunity! Yes she was immune. After all those other times.. 
Exasperation ..she thought that that would have been nice.To feel that emotion 

After all when they had contacted the others - the experts ....they would know wouldn't they?

Surely they would start to question this?.

I suppose that a different issue means a different speed dial.. never the twain shall meet.

They had had enough now. Drama deflated. Tea finished. Cafe still bleak,blustery and cold.

Leaving and - she reinforced the previously luke warm message of sympathy ,understanding ..

and the usual expression of

.."Just ring. Keep me informed.. how can I help?." (knowing that she wasn't expected to or was classed as good enough to help).

Walking and leaving the bleakness to the refuge of the car - she noticed that they dialed on the phone as soon as the car door shut.

She was still walking - and saying goodbye. Still puzzled by the drama.. and the probability that they needed to use the speed dial...So soon? Tea was still lapping around inside the stomach.

 .. they looked like they were reporting on how "it went? Urgent attention. They didn't notice that she was looking as she waved goodbye.

To whom were they speaking? Why?.. reporting? on the result,the outcome the demeanor..? What?

She felt weird - s***talked,set up... and not for the first time.

Later on she would come to realise that two more meetings by the sea would finish with the speed dial. 
In the car. 
After the meet. 

And she decided that they had  S**talked enough.  


Congratulations to Harry and Meaghan.
Just thrilled for them.
So gorgeous.. 
...and Mum would be even more proud.

Image result for prince harry and meghan

Friday, 24 November 2017

Hormones on Trial

This is an exceptional post that I have wanted to write for a long time now. It has to come "out" .

Went has said .." we come out many times in different ways.. well this is different." ..and I am sorry if this post might upset some who read it .. that is not my intention but then I do wonder what was yours?

It seems that my hormonal balance has been challenged in recent years.

Not by me - by others.My hormones especially oestrogen, have been on "trial".

Went said once about Sarah on her return to #PB that the set needed ..her ..and some "oestrogen". Well yes ..women - all women - need that  - as does a testosterone dominated environment. Our Endocrine systems are vital in balance with all our others.But I think my hormones were considered unbalanced as the reason why I love and declare my love for Wentworth ...and the reason why I write this blog.?? 

Perhaps that is because others see him as the virtual experience,miles away,a media "star",unreachable,untouchable... oh and yes - he is gay..?? 

I see him as someone I care about very deeply who just happens to be well known,is a great actor,writer,producer as his day job,likes his privacy and quiet time,can be sarcastic with an incredibly dry and fun sense of humor,who takes things seriously with integrity and compassion.. and who I am proud to love. 

This blog is always with Went in mind as if "we" were having a conversation. Or I was just telling him the latest "blog" story..,updating him on his "google alerts - many I am sure he has nothing to do with.It is my communication to him.. albeit via many other eyes. (thank you for reading!)...and one day it will stop - because I hope that at that point there will be another way of communicating..


... lets put this  - my hormones - in perspective. For those who have had my well being in mind (I think).

Firstly I do thank all for their concern.  I didn't necessarily know that they were concerned. Its true that a few years ago I was told regarding my #Wentlove to "grow up".. and even told.."you need to get real.." by two people. That however was about the level of it. And while on one hand my "childish" hormones were being challenged,it seems others were challenging my "time of life" hormones.

So make up your mind people am I immature - or too mature...? What Hormones are you questioning - still - here? 

And how are yours doing? Mine are in check. Usually balanced - until I learn something emotionally upsetting ...but that means the emotions are struggling - not the hormones. 

Also if you are challenging either hormone set, but in between accepting the concern,care,love,support that my hormones deliver..both privately and professionally in a relationship that we may (or may not now) have together without question ..what does that make "you"? 

In other words the same hormones that love,that you can't seem to understand... seem to be are OK when it comes to "you" and the "routine" daily life where "we" - any of us -  touch base? It is only when I have Wentworth in mind that you question them? That is how it has seemed to me.

Or is there still a perplexed,puzzlement that I haven't yet "woken up yet and smelt your coffee"? in your eyes - whoever "you" are??.That really means a sad lack of understanding on your part and maybe an ego or two is involved here - yours not mine.After all I have only recently become aware of this hormone debate - after the fact. Explains some strange hormonal behaviors on "your part". And I don't question them behind your back.Ill help if needed but I trust "you" to know and look after your own hormones.

Because I love Wentworth and openly share that - I have been teased ridiculed,manipulated,set up and yes badly hurt ..having my judgement - and "chemical to brain and heart interaction" questioned. Amazing that some wanted to get that deep when they barely pass the time of day.?

If that was your plan - then I hope your hormones kick in and allow you a fleeting moment of dopamine.I know what you did and that makes my dopamine kick in too - along with some other hormones best not mentioned here.

Meanwhile the intuition - (another blog) steadfastly reassures my complex chemical reactions when they have taken place..

..but those emotions however, then formulate quickly and can be expressed in tearful ways especially when you know that you are being played.. 

My hormones no doubt are involved in loving who and what I love - like when I get the adrenaline rush from the second blissful taste of a Tall Egg Nog Latte '(tis the Season - at last!!).. or the comforting hormonal Dopamin,Oxytocin, Endorphine and Serotonin Suite that begins to play when visiting my regular DVD,CD shop for blissful musical browsing,.. or a bookshop,library undisturbed  or deep in thought while I focus the picture through my camera. 

I used to get the same satisfaction and rush from a good motivating day at work.. but none of them compare to the instant hormonal kick on seeing my sons,stroking the neighbors cat,hearing powerful music,watching a good film at home or in the Cinema and spending quality time with my husband. And Wentworth.

I have said before that seeing Went - hearing from him - has an immediate adrenaline rush. Why wouldn't it? Isn't that what "love" and care is all about? The pleasure and warm comfort rush of hormones that envelop you when something or someone takes your breath away? And continues to after all this time.? Continues to make me smile,laugh,admire,

How lovely when someone is nice to you - gives you a smile,says thank you laughs with you - it may be fleeting or a regular occurrence i.e the Baristas all deserve a big hug for being patient,kind,fun and professional and the DVD/CD shop likewise .. always say hello with a smile and offer help if needed ..and care about your "in house " experience.

Thank you guys xx. 

I also commented once about a great guy who sold me a "Big Issue" - a wink,smile and thank you raised those dopamine levels instantly... and I let the people at The Big Issue know.. in order to raise theirs..

At work or any other scenario,you may then go into a meeting and while doodling (!,) try to solve the problems of the world but it doesn't mean that you can't make the best of it.. get the hormones and emotions in balance for a positive action based outcome .Sadly it has to be said that hormones can be very difficult at times and impact on mood stability also bringing depression,mental health issues and low mood. Went has documented all about that - and all of us have felt those too.. to a more or lesser degree for varying reasons.In such cases support can be important to get the balance back- and that is right and needed. Healthy hormones - be they Childish or Mature - are important.

So I am expressing again what has been said before and actually was addressed on instagram by me a few years ago rather than here.My hormones are fine thank you. I know who and why I love and who I don't and why. My hormones support that.


@2011 #Fox - Oestrogen ,Pillows and Cuffs..oh and Cotton Candy


Thursday, 23 November 2017


 I am hoping that Went will be allowed to keep his Captain Cold coat when he leaves #Legends. He was able to keep his Michael boots after #PB4 ended so keeping the coat might be possible.

Having looked again at the seasonal collections, the fur lined hooded Parka is still in every shop - varying length,color,amount of pockets and depth of faux fur.

With the Autumn Winter streets full of such attire,Went could wear his in the practical sense and no one would "see" him.Unlike the stealth bucket hat - where everyone knew it was him.. the Captain Cold coat in a public place could actually be like a kind of invisibility cloak.

Whether Went is wearing the parka today or not ,I wish him,family,friends and colleagues a Happy Thanksgiving. 


Ethical Deliberations

I am pleased to see this news today. I was also shocked to find that Myanmar was "known" to me on a daily basis not just on the news channels.

A warm jacket bought in 2016 was made in Myanmar. Until I started to hear that name,it was irrelevant to me.The source of the jacket was not from the usual kind of places and I wondered where "this place" was.. but soon forgot,wore the jacket and it certainly is fantastic value for money.

Normally checking the source of where our food comes from,I have begun to look at the source of our clothing. 

I have deliberated if I should wear the jacket or not? After all I bought it from a well known,good value high street store that no doubt sells other products made in Myanmar.But whilst buying helps support an Asian economy ,as you see from the other link, it raises ethical questions - hopefully being thought about and addressed.

Primarily the refugees of Rohingya need the clothing that I and other westerners are wearing... and so much more on that political,ethical,humane scale.

And next time I buy a jacket - I will check the label first.



Wednesday, 22 November 2017

#CrisisEarth-X #legendsoftomorrow

*Contains Episode Spoilers

The #DC #CW #CrossOver is fast approaching with two different video clips here showing Went in different scenes - different context's and outfits..

Hearing Leonard speaking "love" - by calling Sara "Crusty" - is especially anticipated.After all that Sara has been through including a reincarnation,she is bound to be a little "tetchy",protective and defensive.But there is no doubt that Sara loves Leonard - and vice versa. 

Learning too that in #Legends,Mick Rory will meet his father enabling Dominic to explore a deeper,more emotional Mick playing a character not yet seen - a son of a father. Furthermore it seems that Gorrilla Grodd will show us a more tender side.

Looking forward to watching these stories unfold in these interesting times for #dc #cw which I am sure will focus the attention in the right place.... on screen and enjoyed by the audience.


Celebrating the Memories

In Celebration and Memorium.

One of the best songs ever from one of the many important people who participated in my youth.

Thank you David Cassidy.

.. and I watched every episode..

"I think I love you" #the partridgefamily 

And memories of "Bob Ferris" - another participant - who made me laugh.Thank you.

May they both Rest in Peace.

Tuesday, 21 November 2017

#The News, S__T Cycle

Went's instagram words were very powerful and I wanted to reply to them . in the context of my experiences which are similar - or possibly the same -just in  different environment's over recent years. 

Despite my experiences I would still do the same - speak out for what I believe is right for myself and for others..

So I am writing in if Went had written to me..

Tuesday November 21 2017 at 12.41pm

Hey .. and thx for sharing yours!

The truth is..

and too reiterate..yes..I am outraged,shocked saddened.. .I know you are too. 

Add in hurt.

Where to put these legit feelings is difficult. As you yourself once said re depression.."it depends who you talk to.." as to whether they understand the depth of this feeling,let alone understand how to help quantify it.

How to focus an anger that wants to cut clean and hot ,is best often dispersed by other means to soften any blow I have found. Infact ,joking aside,ice is sometimes the better way - freeze it and then cut it - less painful. 

I remember your "Attitude" interview where you say..

" I don't mind if people think of me as vulnerable. I've had people confuse that quality for weakness.(...)..then I have to bring out the sword."

Interesting. I have found that. I have done that - my way..

Regarding the email to TPTB.. yes I sent more than one,speaking my and their truth,to every level .It should have been great,awesome and powerful. It is then you realise a scale of a cover up - how deep the toxicity goes. How fearful those with some power are of the others with more power..both fearful because "a lesser,vulnerable yet empowered person " (in their eyes) is rocking their big boat.

As you say then.."so what? What did you expect them to do? What should happen next?

Well actually I expected a professional response. At least an acknowledgement. From an organisation who prides itself on credibility,delivering for the "people",clearly it was unable to formally recognise or understand how their principles of ethical diversity and philosophical value judgements, were such a sham. Only works if your face fits.You once said that in Poland in your Q & A session - "if they want what you have.."

They told me by invitation that I did have what they wanted. Problem is they took it  used it exploited it cleverly,powerfully rendering me powerless and violated.

I became aware that "they" didn't have what I wanted ...which was decency. I wasn't safeguarded. I expected them to value me, my opinion, my voice ,brought forward for myself and for others.I also expected the others to support me. It seems the same toxic culture had penetrated their cliche - working for change in solitude is deeply disappointing when not in solidarity.

Yes they wanted to save face..shorten the news cycle (actually what news? my words spoken and written were lost in an Abyss).

and no ..they couldn't see "better" they preferred to keep things "tight" - they lacked creative freedom or worse took ideas "gleaned" through unique ways,as their own getting credit and some kind of smug,self centred glory. Some began to see the light but they were soon "covered" over,swamped with work,removed to another floor,another project... meaning that supportive chats over a photocopier or a coffee were no longer viable.

What could be hoped for? 

A change to their vision.A leap of faith on their part. An understanding and appreciation of experience,ethics,knowledge and skills that could enhance their organisation. I hoped for them - someone - to listen,be proactive,supportive,flexible and above all show solid,sensible leadership. Put their neck on the line - above the parapet like me - both in support and in striving to move forward as an organisation with a huge responsibility,credibility and duty.How could they support the wider economy,culture and the people in it if they couldn't protect "their own?"

Knowing that discrimination and yes harassment has taken place to me,knowing that no one helped me take further action, has been difficult. After all,there is more than one organisation and more than one person involved. But it did go to the highest level's - both in face to face and written context. All the while their respective "charitable" sides were glowing in satisfaction with positive social media and press reports..making a lot of people feel good ..those who might have been considered otherwise to have been in an unethical and very quiet deception.

But in fighting that good fight,I did eventually what I had to do - had no choice but to do for my own safeguarding and mental health.. sadly.... 

and when the anger demands that I cut hot and clean - 

I just picture them on the toilet.

I picture them at their most vulnerable.It takes away their supposed superiority. While many of us could sit quietly reading or enjoying the moments of peace and privacy,others should by rights ,sit there for hours....because they are so full of it.

Or  I think back to the fable The Emperors New Clothes. When you see through them.. and you find those who abuse or have abused in any capacity... it is difficult to see them any other way.It depends on the severity and levels of forgiveness.

We all know those people. 

Thank you - still fighting and very much appreciate the support you offer.